THE PROJECT
The Seventh-day Adventist Church recognises that abuse affects children, women, and men within the church and community. In response, the North American Division launched the enditnowNAD campaign to motivate your church and community to help break the cycle of abuse. The enditnow Emphasis Day, which is the last Sabbath in August, or on any other Sabbath that works for your church, was presented in the Smoky Lake Seventh-day Adventist church on Sept. 22, 2018. The following exert was taken from the optional seminar that can be run on sabbath afternoon. It provides more information about emotional abuse along with helpful instructions on dealing with this destructive but subtle form of abuse.
I encourage you to access the links to their Facebook page as well as a link to the live Summit held on September 24, 2018.
With knowledge we are able to recognise the signs of abuse, placing us in a position to help others, and promote healing of mind, character and relationships.
God bless you for showing interest in His people, thereby reflecting His love and drawing them to Him.
EMOTIONAL ABUSE: What We Can Do
By Dr. Katia G. Reinert
Mary’s Story
This morning we talked about Mary. Her husband, John, was a leader in their church, but verbally abused her and discouraged her from going back to school. Even so, Mary still has a difficult time saying she was abused.
Her husband knew the Bible well and proclaimed his Christian faith boldly. They studied Scripture together, prayed together, and hosted Bible studies in their home. But a domineering nature lurked behind his confident, God-fearing front. He spent years tearing down Mary's sense of security and self-worth.
“I had things broken around me, threats made to me, emotional games played on me—a knife held to my throat, a gun held to my head," Mary says. "The Bible itself was even used as a weapon against me—always out of context, mind you, but used nonetheless.”
He blamed his outbursts on Mary, and for years she bought the lie that she was partially responsible. “I had to have been doing something wrong if things weren't going well in a relationship that included God, right? I tried so hard to be godly … and the Bible told me to submit to my husband. Maybe God just wanted me to suffer a bit, to make me more holy. Besides, it wasn't that bad—he could also be loving and kind sometimes.”
John abused Mary, but it could have been the other way around. Women also inflict as much emotional abuse towards men. So, let’s reverse the story. Can you picture this? Mary says disparagingly to her husband, “You can’t back to school! You never liked school. You don’t have the brains for that.”
Here are a few questions we would like to pose this afternoon:
WHY IS EMOTIONAL ABUSE DIFFICULT TO RECOGNIZE?[1]
Emotional abuse may be hard to recognize because it can be subtle, and because abusers often blame their victims. They may act like they have no idea why you are upset. Additionally, you may have been treated this way in past relationships, so it’s familiar to you and harder to recognize. Over time, the abuser will chip away at your self-esteem, causing you to feel guilty, doubt yourself, and distrust your perceptions.
Other aspects of the relationship may work well. The abuser may be loving between abusive episodes, so that you deny or forget them. You may not have had a healthy relationship for comparison, and when the abuse takes place in private, there are no witnesses to validate your experience.
THE PERSONALITY OF AN ABUSER[2]
Many men and women assume that if they're not being physically abused by their partner, then they're not being abused. That's not necessarily true. You may be in a
[1] https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/toxic-relationships/201704/forms-emotional-and-verbal-abuse-you-may-be-overlooking
a relationship which is draining something from you—your partner is eroding your self-esteem and happiness—and you might not have recognized it.
Abusers typically want to control and dominate. They use verbal abuse to accomplish this. They are self-centered, impatient, unreasonable, insensitive, unforgiving, lack empathy, and often are jealous, suspicious, and withholding. To maintain control, some abusers “take hostages,” meaning that they may try to isolate you from your friends and family. Their moods can shift from fun-loving and romantic to sullen and angry. Some punish with anger, others with silence – or both. It’s usually “their way or the highway.”
Characteristics of Male Abusers[1]
According to research, these profiles are manifestations of a distorted belief system. In their book, When Love Hurts: A Woman’s Guide to Understanding Abuse in Relationships, Jill Cory and Karen McAndless-Davis write that abusive men believe they are central, superior, and deserving.
“The man uses abusive tactics in order to impose his belief system,” they write. “The abusive tactics allow him to stay in control and to have more power than his partner. An abusive man will use whatever form of abuse he needs to ‘win’ and get what he wants.”
However, as noted earlier, men experience emotional abuse by women just as much as women experience emotional abuse by men.
Characteristics of Female Abusers
Our culture excessively, irrationally accepts the “I’ll Change Him” philosophy, where a woman selects and then “molds” a partner to her liking. “Marry the man today – and change his ways tomorrow!”—Lyric from Broadway musical Guys & Dolls
[2] Ibid.
Our culture excessively, irrationally accepts the “I’ll Change Him” philosophy, where a woman selects and then “molds” a partner to her liking. “Marry the man today – and change his ways tomorrow!”—Lyric from Broadway musical Guys & Dolls
Certainly, equal loving partners may decide to change their physical HABITS to please each other, but a partner should never demand that the spouse change LIFESTYLE, PERSONALITY, HOBBIES, or CAREER CHOICES against her/his will for the sake of the partner.
It is important to understand that abusers are not hopeless people and they may have a painful experience of their own. Research points out that abused people tend to abuse others. So abusive behavior can sometimes come from feelings of fear and shame that may have resulted from abuse they suffered prior to marrying their spouse. This often results in the need to control their shame through subsequent abuse. The abuser may tell themselves, ‘I will never be that frightened little boy or girl again…I will never be in that place of vulnerability again, so I will stay in control.’[1]
WHAT ARE THE TECHNIQUES USED IN EMOTIONAL ABUSE?[2]
1. Emotional Abuse Through Words
2. Emotional Abuse Through Actions
[2] National Association for Christian Recovery. http://www.nacr.org/abusecenter/verbal-and-emotional-abuse
2. Emotional Abuse Through Actions
3. Emotional Abuse Through Indifference
WHAT ARE THE EFFECTS OF EMOTIONAL ABUSE?
Staying in an emotionally or verbally abusive relationship can have long-lasting effects on your physical and mental health, leading to chronic pain, depression, or anxiety.
You may also:
[1] https://www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/other-types/emotional-and-verbal-abuse
anxiety.
You may also:
Your partner’s behavior may leave you feeling as though you need to do anything possible to restore peace and end the abuse. This can feel stressful and overwhelming.
WHAT IS A SELF-ASSESSMENT FOR EMOTIONAL ABUSE?[1]
Take a moment to consider these questions. Your partner might have behaved as though these things were okay, even though it's obvious that they aren't okay.
HOW SHOULD THE CHRISTIAN RESPOND TO A FRIEND WHO IS BEING ABUSED?
If a friend comes to you and shares snippets of her/his life and they sound anything like what has been described here, please know that she/he is trusting you with her/his heart and that she/he may be scared. Your friend may be desperate for help, and she/he has chosen to reach out to you, possibly under a threat that if she/he were to ever tell someone, things could get even worse for her/him at home. Keep in mind if the abuse is severe, a danger assessment is advised.[2]
General guidelines for dealing with this kind of situation:
[2] https://www.dangerassessment.org/
· Acknowledge her pain and that it is indeed real. She/he may not believe that what is going on is truly that bad. She/he’ll need to hear from someone else if it really is.
· Ask gentle questions. Try to gain more information such as how long it’s been going on, and what kinds of abusive acts are being done. But know when to pull back a bit if it becomes too painful for her/him to talk about.
· Be careful not to lay blame. Odds are, she/he’s been blamed for too long for how things have ended up, so try not to say that if maybe she were to change something specific, he might not fill-in-the-blank anymore. Though every relationship takes two, there will be plenty of time later for her/him to figure out her/his part in the dysfunction.
· Do not give your friend marching orders to simply do more of something. She/he’s probably thought of all this anyway—pray more, serve more, praise more, cook more, initiate sex more—and it probably hasn’t changed much of anything for more than a few days or weeks. (That’s what is called the honeymoon phase…where things seem to be getting better, but it never lasts.)
· Do not try to help her/him all on your own. Determine what kind of help she/he might need, whether it be a visit with a pastor (choose wisely) or a Christian counselor.
· Offer to go to any meetings. Your friend might be ashamed or scared. Taking the first few steps out of abuse can be terrifying and she/he’ll need support.
· Do not advise any rash decisions. It will not help to say, “I don’t know how you’ve lived this way so long,” or “If I were you, I’d meet with a lawyer right away.” It just might serve to further paralyze her/him. Your friend needs to take small, steady steps into health and healing. And you might just be overlaying your past or emotional scars onto the situation when it doesn’t really apply.
· Check in with your friend. Victims often feel isolated. Asking for help took courage; asking for more help may take more courage than she/he has if you do not follow up, and your friend might not reach out again.
Point your friend to Scripture. Share Bible texts that affirm your friend’s worth in God’s eyes and that assure us of God’s power to heal and be our strength
These thoughts just scratch the surface of a hugely controversial topic. If you or someone you love is in this kind of situation, please get help. There may not be a black eye, but a heart is being broken a little more each day.
FINAL QUESTIONS
